This has been a rougher process than I thought it would be, truly. I thought that I would feel like going back to work this week and that I would even feel guilty for not doing so, but I am whupped. I can't imagine what Monday is going to be like because I can't imagine feeling like myself again by the end of the weekend. I think I am going to be very, very tired by 4 p.m. Monday.
I've been struggling with anxiety, depression symptoms, all that fun stuff. A friend of mine is the psych field told me that is not uncommon after something like this, but I feel like I should be excited and happy. Instead, my thoughts won't stop racing and I can't quiet them down. I have extremely dark thoughts at times like these. I often get a loop in my brain going, "I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, ihatemyselfiamsostupid
ihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupid...."
Wash, rinse, repeat. It would be comical if it wasn't so grim. If any of my nieces or nephews - or any of my loved ones - revealed such a thought process, I would be horrified that they couldn't see themselves for the wonderful treasures they are and I am sure they feel the same about me, but, this is my reality. This is how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.
I wonder how much of my poor self esteem is rooted in my hearing loss and if its salvageable. I met with another woman who had a severe/profound hearing loss and had a cochlear implant in her 40's and she told me that she became more and more withdrawn - severely so - until her husband said to her that he didn't even know her anymore and she was like, "What is happening to me?" She said it all changed with her CI.
I don't want to have that kind of expectation, but I hope, really hope, that it will be enough of a success that I don't feel so much like I am going through life in the shadows anymore. I hope I can stop feeling that I am not really here or a part of anything because I feel so disconnected. Given that I have Bipolar Disorder II, though, I have to keep my expectations low for how a CI may benefit me from a psychological perspective. It's not going to be like a miracle pill.
I thought that I had come so far in accepting my Deafness and how it shaped me, but going into Deaf Ed and then having the cochlear implant surgery done is bringing a lot of issues roaring back and I don't much like that part. It's scary.
I'm so sorry that you are so scared right now. And you know how I hate how you feel about yourself. If you could see what I see, know what I know. You've been the best kind of friend to me and I hope I have been to you. I need you in my life. You are a touchstone for me. I'm here for you always.
ReplyDeleteI have only interacted with you online and we have never really ran into the whole trying-to-understand each other thing that we would in real life.
ReplyDeleteI worry when you disappear off our radar (facebook, runescape, tvch, any of those other online communities we keep finding ourselves in) that those dark thoughts are consuming you. I think your fans should develop a new mantra for you.
All the cool people love you, and since you are a cool person, you should love you too.
Now that ought to make you feel better (or at least smile).
Take care,
Your biggest fan
Isolation is depressing. The implant will give you some hearing back, which will make you feel more a part of what's around you -- ergo, less isolated. It will also interrupt the circling thoughts somewhat. But it's no magic bullet. It'll form an important part of a whole-you process.
ReplyDeletethat big space up there had these words in it (is blogger editing me??)
ReplyDeletepicture a dancing cow with juju's face here
picture a sexy snape staring wantonly at you here.
That's what you were to be smiling about...
Thanks, guys. Stacey, that is weird about blogger ... I wonder if I need to make my blog an "adult content" blog because I had something go missing also!! They let me joke about Frankenstein's male appendage, but I can't type the s word?
ReplyDelete