I know there are people out there who think I am whining. There's probably nothing much I can say to change their minds. I try to put into words what this experience is like for a hearing person, but unless you have lived it, you're never really going to know.
Today I truly feel like there I have a dishwasher churning away beside my left ear. There is no dishwasher. I am hearing the same noise with or without the CI processor. I asked my sister if there was anything in the environment that could possibly be causing this sound and there isn't, which I knew, but felt I had to ask anyway.
Anything that could be causing this, like a real dishwasher, maybe a washer or dryer, or even the fishtank would not be audible to me without the CI. And I am "hearing" it even without the CI. So it is a phantom dishwasher. I did a web search and read a blog by another CI user who had the same issue after activation, and she had some comments after her blog by other CI users who also said they did as well. So "phantom noises" are apparently not uncommon after implant activation, but they are very frustrating. They are supposed to go away after awhile, but that could be in 5 minutes, in an hour, tomorrow, or even weeks from now.
It feels almost intolerable today. Recently I read an article about a man who committed suicide several months after getting tinnitus and today I can understand why he felt driven to do that because if this freaking dishwasher noise were to freaking never go away, it would drive me FREAKING insane.
Seriously, hearing people. Think about a loud dishwashing machine and what it would feel like to have it roaring in your ear all the time!!!
I don't know what to do.
I want a drink. I really want a drink. I want a glass of red wine or a beer or something that is going to shut up this phantom dishwasher!
If I get some Nyquil, will I have to pick up a white chip???
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Cinematic Masterpiece
This blog is not for the easily offended. Do not read this if you are under 18 or on the prudish side. You've been warned.
So, I've gone from hearing imaginary tinktinktinktinktink sounds to imaginary grand, sweeping majestic music, like the kind that fills a movie theater as the film's title rolls. I feel like I am getting ready to step onto the silver screen - Carolyn Schmid STARRING IN The Ballad of the Cochlear Implant.
Wow. You know how all cinematic masterpieces get really bad porn spin-offs? Oh come on, you know... like Forrest Hump? Star Whores? Sperms of Endearment? Not that I would know from actually having watched such filth! Really! I pick up on things in my travels. But anyway, mine would even have a great porn spin-off - The Balling of the Cocklear Implant! Hahahahahaha! So it would be destined to become an Oscar winner or at least a cult classic!
Um, sometimes I seriously cannot believe I have a mind that works this way. I need deep, intensive psychological therapy. Or maybe a lobotomy.
I hope my mom doesn't read this blog. Or my brother.
All day yesterday I kept thinking I was hearing music. And thunder. Rolling thunder. I'm still hearing imaginary thunder, but the music has vanished.
In a battle between my hearing aid and the cochlear implant, the hearing aid is still winning in the superiority of the sound it gives me mainly because with the CI I am still having enormous difficulty differentiating different sounds when more than one is reaching my ears simultaneously. The CI is making small gains, though. I was able to pick out some lyrics in The Little Drummer Boy while listening and driving, I heard running water even more clearly, and my nephew played O Christmas Tree for me on the piano and I identified the song! My hearing aid has not even been in my ear for almost a week. I'm forcing my left ear to step up to the plate, as recommended by my audiologist.
I've been researching on the web and am feeling comforted by what I find. This page from the Dallas Ear Institute was especially enlightening - http://www.dallasear.com/webdocuments/CI-expectations-adult.pdf, especially this part -
"Our highest performers took from 6-10 weeks to adjust to the implant and did not need long-term therapy. Others are still receiving weekly therapy after 2 years of implant use. There is no way we can predict any person's adjustment to the device or the amount of therapy that will be needed. Many find the first few weeks or months to be disappointing, discouraging, and sometimes depressing. It is important to anticipate this potentially frustrating adjustment period so that you will continue to work hard with your implant and persevere with the programming and therapy."
So I think I am doing pretty good for 8 days later!
So, I've gone from hearing imaginary tinktinktinktinktink sounds to imaginary grand, sweeping majestic music, like the kind that fills a movie theater as the film's title rolls. I feel like I am getting ready to step onto the silver screen - Carolyn Schmid STARRING IN The Ballad of the Cochlear Implant.
Wow. You know how all cinematic masterpieces get really bad porn spin-offs? Oh come on, you know... like Forrest Hump? Star Whores? Sperms of Endearment? Not that I would know from actually having watched such filth! Really! I pick up on things in my travels. But anyway, mine would even have a great porn spin-off - The Balling of the Cocklear Implant! Hahahahahaha! So it would be destined to become an Oscar winner or at least a cult classic!
Um, sometimes I seriously cannot believe I have a mind that works this way. I need deep, intensive psychological therapy. Or maybe a lobotomy.
I hope my mom doesn't read this blog. Or my brother.
All day yesterday I kept thinking I was hearing music. And thunder. Rolling thunder. I'm still hearing imaginary thunder, but the music has vanished.
In a battle between my hearing aid and the cochlear implant, the hearing aid is still winning in the superiority of the sound it gives me mainly because with the CI I am still having enormous difficulty differentiating different sounds when more than one is reaching my ears simultaneously. The CI is making small gains, though. I was able to pick out some lyrics in The Little Drummer Boy while listening and driving, I heard running water even more clearly, and my nephew played O Christmas Tree for me on the piano and I identified the song! My hearing aid has not even been in my ear for almost a week. I'm forcing my left ear to step up to the plate, as recommended by my audiologist.
I've been researching on the web and am feeling comforted by what I find. This page from the Dallas Ear Institute was especially enlightening - http://www.dallasear.com/webdocuments/CI-expectations-adult.pdf, especially this part -
"Our highest performers took from 6-10 weeks to adjust to the implant and did not need long-term therapy. Others are still receiving weekly therapy after 2 years of implant use. There is no way we can predict any person's adjustment to the device or the amount of therapy that will be needed. Many find the first few weeks or months to be disappointing, discouraging, and sometimes depressing. It is important to anticipate this potentially frustrating adjustment period so that you will continue to work hard with your implant and persevere with the programming and therapy."
So I think I am doing pretty good for 8 days later!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Phantom noises
Monday started off so exciting. I was eager to see what I could hear and couldn't wait to put on my CI.
As I sat in my car Monday morning, waiting for the engine to warm up a bit, I thought I heard birds. There was this staccato of sound that I couldn't relate to anything in my environment until I noticed birds flying around.
Don’t get too excited. I have heard birds before. But usually only when I’m outside, everything else is completely quiet and the birds are very close by. I don’t know that I have ever heard birds while sitting in my car with the door shut and the engine running.
Then I decided to try music again and I played Southern Cross, the Jimmy Buffett version. Right at the beginning there is this series of notes that I don't think I have ever noticed before. I can't tell what they are or what instrument makes them, but I was enchanted. Most of the drive to work, I found myself rewinding Southern Cross just to listen to the beginning over and over again. I actually felt a tickle in my head when I heard them. A pleasant tickle. Oh dear, no sex jokes here, please. Please, no. ACK, I'm making one in my head even as I type! GAHHHH!!!!
Moving on ... At work, as with over the weekend at home, I needed to really focus on the sources of sounds to figure out what they were. My filters still were not working well at all and most sounds just blended together into a loud din. The noise in the hallways between classes was pretty overwhelming.
Then by 2 p.m., my brain was d-u-n. Done. Finished. Over it. Caput. It didn't want to process anything else. Everything deteriorated into a roar of robotic noise, but I determinedly kept on my processor, even after work at the gym and at Target. By the time I got to Target, sound was starting to feel physically painful again. I found myself wincing often at the various noises hitting me.
Monday night while trying to fall asleep, I was visited by "phantom noises." You know how it is said that people who have lost a limb continue to think they feel pain there? I just kept hearing sounds that I knew were not there. My processor was off, I was almost completely deaf, but I kept hearing noises. It started off as a rapid, ceaseless ticktickticktickticktick, like an evil, berserk clock. Then I started hearing bells, beeps and whistles, and then the evil clock noise came back. Tickticktickticktickticktick.... I was up until 3 a.m. with the freaking evil clock ticking in my head!!
Unfortunately nothing has changed over these last two days. The ticking has gone away, yes, but all I am hearing is robotic voices, beeps and whistles. Loudly. Constantly. I thought I was going to lose my mind today at work.
My CI is off right now. If it wasn't for the hope that all of this noise is going to coalesce into recognizable sounds and voices, I don't think I would ever want to put it on again. I don't know how long it is going to take for me and when I feel like giving up, I remind myself it has only been 5 days. 120 hours, 1/2 that really when you factor in sleep and other times I have had it off. So let's say 60 hours of CI usage versus 38 years of deafness. I need to give myself time and I need to be kind to myself while I'm going through this. I'm not very kind to myself, in case you haven't picked up on that and that just makes everything harder.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
New Attitude
Today when I woke up, I was excited to put on the processor and see what things sounded like. What a difference a day can make, huh? Not that things sound very different today, but what a different attitude I have!
Unfortunately, I put my processor on only to have the batteries die about 5 minutes later. These are special batteries. I can't just run out to CVS and buy more. The CI came with 3 packs of rechargable batteries, but the batteries in the processor were supposed to last 3 days and I .... uh .... hadn't gotten around to charging the rechargeables. What??? I thought I had another day! I can see my sister shaking her head now and thinking, "Carolyn, you goof!" Mercifully, it only took about 3 hours for the battery packs to charge.
New observations - I didn't know light switches could be so loud! Or footsteps.
And I finally heard running water today. My brother turned on the faucet in the audiologist's office on Friday to test me, but I couldn't hear it. Couldn't hear it yesterday either, but I did today.
My breathing still sounds very loud and the clacking of the keys bugs me. I have a headache and I have some nausea, both of which are apparently common side effects as one adjusts to a new CI.
Work is gonna be interesting...
Unfortunately, I put my processor on only to have the batteries die about 5 minutes later. These are special batteries. I can't just run out to CVS and buy more. The CI came with 3 packs of rechargable batteries, but the batteries in the processor were supposed to last 3 days and I .... uh .... hadn't gotten around to charging the rechargeables. What??? I thought I had another day! I can see my sister shaking her head now and thinking, "Carolyn, you goof!" Mercifully, it only took about 3 hours for the battery packs to charge.
New observations - I didn't know light switches could be so loud! Or footsteps.
And I finally heard running water today. My brother turned on the faucet in the audiologist's office on Friday to test me, but I couldn't hear it. Couldn't hear it yesterday either, but I did today.
My breathing still sounds very loud and the clacking of the keys bugs me. I have a headache and I have some nausea, both of which are apparently common side effects as one adjusts to a new CI.
Work is gonna be interesting...
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Pulses
Wow.
Nothing, nothing could have prepared me for this.
I cannot even figure out how to describe the experience to people who have working ears in a way that there are going to get it. I don't think it is possible.
So let me just start by saying this is difficult. This may be one of the top 5 difficult things I have ever done, right up there with getting sober and leaving my husband. What I am getting right now doesn't sound like sound as I know it, the familiar comfortable sound I get from my hearing aid.
There is nothing I want to do more than yank this lime green contraption off my head and flush it down the toilet. It's uncomfortable. Painful even. But I know that if I quit, it is never going to sound better than this. So it is staying attached to my head and I'm determined to make it work.
So I'll just share what yesterday was like.
The first thing the audiologist had to do was check the electrodes. I have 12 electrodes threaded into my cochlea. They all work. She said sometimes one goes bad during the insertion. You have to picture how tiny they are, and how small the thread they are attached to is. Have you ever snapped off a piece of loose elastic from the band of your underpants? Think of how thin that piece of elastic is. That's about the size of the electrode array that is inserted into the cochlea. The electrodes themselves are maybe the size of the head of a pin. So it is easy to understand how one might go askew during insertion. Luckily for me, none did.
Then the audiologist had to "map" each electrode individually. Mapping involves emitting a beep or pulse onto that electrode and I have to indicate the point at which the "volume" is as high as it can get before it reaches a painful level. It was kind of like being back in the sound booth and having to listen for the beeps. At first I thought my heart was beating really loud and fast before it registered to me that I was hearing the beeps and pulses of the electrode mapping. I continued to think I was feeling it in my heart throughout the course of the electrode mapping, although the audiologist thought that was mostly nerves. Feeling it in my heart sounds so beautiful and uplifting, but truthfully, it didn't feel very good. It was very unsettling, like I was having arrhythmia issues!
After she had mapped all 12 electrodes, she played a string of sound along the course of the electrode array that reminded me a little bit of when someone plays scales on a piano. When she did that, I started to cry. It really hit me then that for the first time in 38 years, I was hearing with my left ear and it sounded beautiful.
After that was done, the device was "turned on." At this point, my sister and brother got to be the first voices I heard. They didn't sound at all like I was expecting them to sound. They didn't sound anything like how I heard them to sound with my hearing aid and they didn't sound anything like that beautiful string of sound the audiologist had played along the electrode array. It was hard to find their voices in the pulsations of sound that were reaching me. They sounded very computerized and robotic and their "real voices" seemed to be buried at the bottom of what was reaching my brain and I couldn't get them unburied. I could understand what they were saying with lip reading and I could match up some pulses of sound with words, but I had to concentrate very hard and it made my head hurt.
I am so, SO grateful they were with me, though, and that their voices were the first I heard. Much love to you, Kelly and Jeff!
Then the audiologist did a word test on me. She covered her mouth and said the days of the week, but not in order. The only one I could get was "Tuesday." Then she did the same thing with colors. I was able to get "blue" and "purple." I was very excited to get purple. Kelly told me today also that it was really amazing for her to see me get purple.
Then the audiologist did have to do the sound booth beep test on me and she said my results were good for the first time after having it turned on. Then we talked about care and treatment of the processor and its components. I have a remote control! I got a lot of stuff to take home with me. I also need to be very careful that my processor doesn't end up in the bottom of a fishtank the way my hearing aid did...
My ear doctor wanted to see me. Kelly and Jeff had left by then. I sat in the chair in the doctor's office, turning the pages of a magazine and it sounded very loud to me. Each page I turned made this distinctive "FWIP!" sound. I found myself turning the pages back and forth because I was so fascinated with the FWIP FWIP FWIP I was hearing.
After all that, it was late and I had a soiree to attend at a friend's house, but I had to wear my hearing aid for it. I couldn't follow anything without it. I left my processor on also and I had to fight some dizziness. I've been on every antidepressant under the sun trying to find one that works for me and the sensation I get when I am coming off an antidepressant is one of sporadic waves of dizziness assailing my head. It felt like that. It still feels a bit like that. I think it was just the sound pulses.
On my drive home, I tried to listen to Christmas music and pick out what song was playing, but the only one I could recognize on my own was Jingle Bells. Everything else started to sound like ... wait for it ... you will never in a million years guess what the Christmas carols sounded like to me ... The Stray Cat Strut. Yes. That 80's song by the Stray Cats. Could I make this up?? I kept hearing, "... with my tail in the air ..." At the risk of sounding blasphemous, I don't think the "round yon virgin" had her "tail in the air." Oh God, I'm going to Hell, aren't I?
Finally I just turned off the music and talked to myself. I said street names as I passed them by. I pronounced the names of restaurants like "Taco Bell" as I drove past. I recited license plates "GTJ 3827, WCX 1823, VCK 4590" just trying to associate what I was hearing with what I was saying. I even saw a Dallas Cowboy star sticker on an SUV and said, "Dallas Cowboys," and right after that "Suck ass" came right out of my mouth, but that was completely spontaneous and unintentional. :)
When I got home, I watched some Friends episodes with the processor on and I kept hearing this pulsation of sharp noises even when no one was talking and it took me awhile to realize I was hearing the laugh track.
Today I am finding myself very distracted by my breathing. It sounds like a loud "uuhh WHOO," especially when I take a deep breath.
My sister told me today that the audiologist told her and Jeff that I would hate the way everything sounded at first and to make sure I kept it on. My sneaky siblings kept that from me yesterday.
And the keys on the laptop sound very loud!!
So that is where I am now.
MTC.
Nothing, nothing could have prepared me for this.
I cannot even figure out how to describe the experience to people who have working ears in a way that there are going to get it. I don't think it is possible.
So let me just start by saying this is difficult. This may be one of the top 5 difficult things I have ever done, right up there with getting sober and leaving my husband. What I am getting right now doesn't sound like sound as I know it, the familiar comfortable sound I get from my hearing aid.
There is nothing I want to do more than yank this lime green contraption off my head and flush it down the toilet. It's uncomfortable. Painful even. But I know that if I quit, it is never going to sound better than this. So it is staying attached to my head and I'm determined to make it work.
So I'll just share what yesterday was like.
The first thing the audiologist had to do was check the electrodes. I have 12 electrodes threaded into my cochlea. They all work. She said sometimes one goes bad during the insertion. You have to picture how tiny they are, and how small the thread they are attached to is. Have you ever snapped off a piece of loose elastic from the band of your underpants? Think of how thin that piece of elastic is. That's about the size of the electrode array that is inserted into the cochlea. The electrodes themselves are maybe the size of the head of a pin. So it is easy to understand how one might go askew during insertion. Luckily for me, none did.
Then the audiologist had to "map" each electrode individually. Mapping involves emitting a beep or pulse onto that electrode and I have to indicate the point at which the "volume" is as high as it can get before it reaches a painful level. It was kind of like being back in the sound booth and having to listen for the beeps. At first I thought my heart was beating really loud and fast before it registered to me that I was hearing the beeps and pulses of the electrode mapping. I continued to think I was feeling it in my heart throughout the course of the electrode mapping, although the audiologist thought that was mostly nerves. Feeling it in my heart sounds so beautiful and uplifting, but truthfully, it didn't feel very good. It was very unsettling, like I was having arrhythmia issues!
After she had mapped all 12 electrodes, she played a string of sound along the course of the electrode array that reminded me a little bit of when someone plays scales on a piano. When she did that, I started to cry. It really hit me then that for the first time in 38 years, I was hearing with my left ear and it sounded beautiful.
After that was done, the device was "turned on." At this point, my sister and brother got to be the first voices I heard. They didn't sound at all like I was expecting them to sound. They didn't sound anything like how I heard them to sound with my hearing aid and they didn't sound anything like that beautiful string of sound the audiologist had played along the electrode array. It was hard to find their voices in the pulsations of sound that were reaching me. They sounded very computerized and robotic and their "real voices" seemed to be buried at the bottom of what was reaching my brain and I couldn't get them unburied. I could understand what they were saying with lip reading and I could match up some pulses of sound with words, but I had to concentrate very hard and it made my head hurt.
I am so, SO grateful they were with me, though, and that their voices were the first I heard. Much love to you, Kelly and Jeff!
Then the audiologist did a word test on me. She covered her mouth and said the days of the week, but not in order. The only one I could get was "Tuesday." Then she did the same thing with colors. I was able to get "blue" and "purple." I was very excited to get purple. Kelly told me today also that it was really amazing for her to see me get purple.
Then the audiologist did have to do the sound booth beep test on me and she said my results were good for the first time after having it turned on. Then we talked about care and treatment of the processor and its components. I have a remote control! I got a lot of stuff to take home with me. I also need to be very careful that my processor doesn't end up in the bottom of a fishtank the way my hearing aid did...
My ear doctor wanted to see me. Kelly and Jeff had left by then. I sat in the chair in the doctor's office, turning the pages of a magazine and it sounded very loud to me. Each page I turned made this distinctive "FWIP!" sound. I found myself turning the pages back and forth because I was so fascinated with the FWIP FWIP FWIP I was hearing.
After all that, it was late and I had a soiree to attend at a friend's house, but I had to wear my hearing aid for it. I couldn't follow anything without it. I left my processor on also and I had to fight some dizziness. I've been on every antidepressant under the sun trying to find one that works for me and the sensation I get when I am coming off an antidepressant is one of sporadic waves of dizziness assailing my head. It felt like that. It still feels a bit like that. I think it was just the sound pulses.
On my drive home, I tried to listen to Christmas music and pick out what song was playing, but the only one I could recognize on my own was Jingle Bells. Everything else started to sound like ... wait for it ... you will never in a million years guess what the Christmas carols sounded like to me ... The Stray Cat Strut. Yes. That 80's song by the Stray Cats. Could I make this up?? I kept hearing, "... with my tail in the air ..." At the risk of sounding blasphemous, I don't think the "round yon virgin" had her "tail in the air." Oh God, I'm going to Hell, aren't I?
Finally I just turned off the music and talked to myself. I said street names as I passed them by. I pronounced the names of restaurants like "Taco Bell" as I drove past. I recited license plates "GTJ 3827, WCX 1823, VCK 4590" just trying to associate what I was hearing with what I was saying. I even saw a Dallas Cowboy star sticker on an SUV and said, "Dallas Cowboys," and right after that "Suck ass" came right out of my mouth, but that was completely spontaneous and unintentional. :)
When I got home, I watched some Friends episodes with the processor on and I kept hearing this pulsation of sharp noises even when no one was talking and it took me awhile to realize I was hearing the laugh track.
Today I am finding myself very distracted by my breathing. It sounds like a loud "uuhh WHOO," especially when I take a deep breath.
My sister told me today that the audiologist told her and Jeff that I would hate the way everything sounded at first and to make sure I kept it on. My sneaky siblings kept that from me yesterday.
And the keys on the laptop sound very loud!!
So that is where I am now.
MTC.
Friday, December 9, 2011
This is It!
I'm blogging at work, which is probably grounds for dismissal, but this is all I can think about. One hour to go launch. Well, probably more, because I always seem to have to wait awhile at Dr. Shaia's office. Don't get me wrong, love that place and the people there, but sometimes the wait time is long.
13 minutes until I leave work!
My brother and sister are meeting me there! I am so lucky to have such great siblings. I want to hear their voices first! I hope the audiologist humors me. :)
11 minutes.
My nerves feel like they are humming all over my body. Even my arms feel giddy. Maybe they are all sending positive energy to the auditory nerve on the left side of my brain.
8 minutes.
Finally! I'm more excited and less anxious. I actually think ... could it be ... yes! I just smiled! I don't think I have smiled all day. We had our "holiday luncheon" at work today and someone told me that I couldn't look more miserable if I tried. Or maybe he said if I tried, I might manage to look even more miserable. I couldn't tell. It was dark and he was bearded. Maybe soon I'll know what bearded men say in dim light. Okay, that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean!!!!
5 more minutes, no 4!
OMG. Wow. This is really happening. I actually got a cochlear implant and it is going to be turned on soon!!
2 minutes ...
Two coworkers just stopped by to wish me luck. The support of my friends has phenomenal. Thank you to every single one of you!!
I will post later, probably tonight or tomorrow morning. I have a "soiree" after the "turn-on" so I won't be online for a few hours and wow, one minute left until I need to leave ...
Better pack up! I'm off! But will soon be on, I hope!
13 minutes until I leave work!
My brother and sister are meeting me there! I am so lucky to have such great siblings. I want to hear their voices first! I hope the audiologist humors me. :)
11 minutes.
My nerves feel like they are humming all over my body. Even my arms feel giddy. Maybe they are all sending positive energy to the auditory nerve on the left side of my brain.
8 minutes.
Finally! I'm more excited and less anxious. I actually think ... could it be ... yes! I just smiled! I don't think I have smiled all day. We had our "holiday luncheon" at work today and someone told me that I couldn't look more miserable if I tried. Or maybe he said if I tried, I might manage to look even more miserable. I couldn't tell. It was dark and he was bearded. Maybe soon I'll know what bearded men say in dim light. Okay, that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean!!!!
5 more minutes, no 4!
OMG. Wow. This is really happening. I actually got a cochlear implant and it is going to be turned on soon!!
2 minutes ...
Two coworkers just stopped by to wish me luck. The support of my friends has phenomenal. Thank you to every single one of you!!
I will post later, probably tonight or tomorrow morning. I have a "soiree" after the "turn-on" so I won't be online for a few hours and wow, one minute left until I need to leave ...
Better pack up! I'm off! But will soon be on, I hope!
Nerves
Oooooooohhh myyyyyyyyyy gooooooooosssshhhhhh.
(Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
(breathes in paper bag)
(Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm)
(breathes in paper bag)
Lime
The lime green scarf I bought to match the processor is an "infinity" design, which I didn't realize until I put it on this morning. Meaning it loops with no ends. I like ends. I don't much like this scarf. I feel like it is choking me. I hope this isn't a harbinger of the fate of my cochlear implant. I don't want it to be chokeful. Choking. Chokey. Cough.
Butterflies
About 90 minutes until launch and I am so freaking nervous that I feel like I am going to blow chunks over my laptop keyboard!!!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Soooo Tiiiirrrrrreeeeddddd.
I cannot stop feeling tired to save my life. I feel like a dementor has sucked the last drop of energy out of my body and I'm gonna puddle up on the ground in a pool of fatigued goop. I said, "Goop!" Not "Poop!" What is wrong with you people?? I bet several of you did read it that way.
I need to get back on the Paleo plan and see if that helps. You CrossFit people out there, kick my butt into Paleo submission, please! No more comfort eating. It is totally adding to a vicious cycle! If I don't stop this, I'm gonna eat my way through the holidays from now until January 2012 and I'll balloon out like that obnoxious Violet chick in Willy Wonka. People will have to roll me everywhere. Although the Oompa Loompa's would be better served singing Augustus Gloop's song in my case-
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats.
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it!
I have what I think is a swollen lymph node above the surgery site. There is no matching bump on the other side so it is not my scalp's normal contours. It feels like an egg is trying to come out. I hope I haven't been impregnated by an alien and am hatching an evil demon eye like Cordelia. Then the Oompa Loompas could sing -
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get with a bump on your head?
Growing like an evil alien egg.
Making your mind fill up with dread?
For it to go away you plead and beg.
I don't like the look of it!
I'm a little worried that the area is not going to be healed enough by Friday and we're going to have to wait to attach the processor and "activate" the implant. And here we go again -
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when the head's not healed?
We can't attach the processor that's lime.
What will happen if it all comes unsealed?
And the brain falls out in record time?
I don't like the look of it!
I need to get back on the Paleo plan and see if that helps. You CrossFit people out there, kick my butt into Paleo submission, please! No more comfort eating. It is totally adding to a vicious cycle! If I don't stop this, I'm gonna eat my way through the holidays from now until January 2012 and I'll balloon out like that obnoxious Violet chick in Willy Wonka. People will have to roll me everywhere. Although the Oompa Loompa's would be better served singing Augustus Gloop's song in my case-
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when you guzzle down sweets?
Eating as much as an elephant eats.
What are you at getting terribly fat?
What do you think will come of that?
I don't like the look of it!
I have what I think is a swollen lymph node above the surgery site. There is no matching bump on the other side so it is not my scalp's normal contours. It feels like an egg is trying to come out. I hope I haven't been impregnated by an alien and am hatching an evil demon eye like Cordelia. Then the Oompa Loompas could sing -
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get with a bump on your head?
Growing like an evil alien egg.
Making your mind fill up with dread?
For it to go away you plead and beg.
I don't like the look of it!
I'm a little worried that the area is not going to be healed enough by Friday and we're going to have to wait to attach the processor and "activate" the implant. And here we go again -
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
I’ve got a another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee,
If you are wise you’ll listen to me.
What do you get when the head's not healed?
We can't attach the processor that's lime.
What will happen if it all comes unsealed?
And the brain falls out in record time?
I don't like the look of it!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Smell your breath!
Hahahaha! I just posted my latest blog and the advertisement that came up beside my post was "Smell your own breath."
That's both hysterical and scary that the internet can "read" what you write and tailor advertisements towards your words. Shades of Big Brother ...
Oh, and can I just say that one thing people take for granted is the ability to flop around in their sleep? That is something you never think about until you can't do that. I'm a fetal position sleeper. I like to sleep on my side with my chin tucked down and my knees pulled up towards my chest and I frequently alternate sides on a whim. It's driving me crazy that I can't switch sides. I want to sleep on my left side so freaking bad, but it still hurts too much to put pressure on the left side of my head. It's insane how much I want to sleep on my left side just because I can't!
That's both hysterical and scary that the internet can "read" what you write and tailor advertisements towards your words. Shades of Big Brother ...
Oh, and can I just say that one thing people take for granted is the ability to flop around in their sleep? That is something you never think about until you can't do that. I'm a fetal position sleeper. I like to sleep on my side with my chin tucked down and my knees pulled up towards my chest and I frequently alternate sides on a whim. It's driving me crazy that I can't switch sides. I want to sleep on my left side so freaking bad, but it still hurts too much to put pressure on the left side of my head. It's insane how much I want to sleep on my left side just because I can't!
One Long-Ass Week
What.A.Long.Week. If I needed further proof that I am not as young and resilient as I used to be, this week showed me.
I still have some discomfort at the surgery site. I've only taken one pain pill since Sunday, but I'm planning on taking one tonight.
My tongue still feels like someone took a cheese grater to it. It hurts so badly to brush my teeth that I am tempted to forgo oral hygiene completely for awhile and just not breathe on or near anyone until things feel better in my mouth.
Who would have thought that I would be extremely grateful NOT to have someone at home to kiss? :P
I really don't know what is going on with this consider I am almost off the pain pills and I would have bet money my tongue issues were a side effect of the oxycodone.
Could the fact that my doctor had to drill close to a taste nerve be doing this? How? And if so, why is there not more on it on the 'net. When I google "cochlear implant" and "tongue side effects," nothing relevant is popping up. If it is related to the taste nerve, there should be more information. If it is related to the cochlear implant, there should be more information.
It's gotta be the oxycodone, but why is it still so bad when I have only taken one pain pill in 5 days?
Bleah. If it is still bothering me Monday, I guess I need to contact the doctor.
On a brighter note, one more week until my implant gets "turned on." My sister wants to meet me at the doctor's office to be there. I'm so excited!! My sister can be the first voice I hear with my new implant!!
MTC.
I still have some discomfort at the surgery site. I've only taken one pain pill since Sunday, but I'm planning on taking one tonight.
My tongue still feels like someone took a cheese grater to it. It hurts so badly to brush my teeth that I am tempted to forgo oral hygiene completely for awhile and just not breathe on or near anyone until things feel better in my mouth.
Who would have thought that I would be extremely grateful NOT to have someone at home to kiss? :P
I really don't know what is going on with this consider I am almost off the pain pills and I would have bet money my tongue issues were a side effect of the oxycodone.
Could the fact that my doctor had to drill close to a taste nerve be doing this? How? And if so, why is there not more on it on the 'net. When I google "cochlear implant" and "tongue side effects," nothing relevant is popping up. If it is related to the taste nerve, there should be more information. If it is related to the cochlear implant, there should be more information.
It's gotta be the oxycodone, but why is it still so bad when I have only taken one pain pill in 5 days?
Bleah. If it is still bothering me Monday, I guess I need to contact the doctor.
On a brighter note, one more week until my implant gets "turned on." My sister wants to meet me at the doctor's office to be there. I'm so excited!! My sister can be the first voice I hear with my new implant!!
MTC.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Audiobabble
Yesterday I pulled up to my sister's house just as they were getting ready to go to Joe's Diner to take advantage of a Living Social coupon, so I hopped in the van and joined them. An audiobook was playing and I tried really hard to pick out some words, but when I started hearing things like "smash the pancake" and "skunk in soccer universe," I knew it was futile. I even thought I heard "Potter" and was convinced I got one word right, but since I was hedging my bets and thinking it was a Harry Potter audiobook, all I did was demonstrate the power of suggestion. The audiobook was, in fact, from the Percy Jackson series and Harry Potter does not have a cameo.
It gave me a neat idea, though. I decided to pop in one of the Harry Potter disks and see what words I could pick out from the audiobabble and then, in a few months when my implant is activated and my brain is hopefully processing sounds more efficiently, I'll listen to the same passage and see what, if any, difference there is. So I popped into my computer disk 11 from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and turned up the volume. It started at Chapter 24b "Malfoy's Manor," and this is what I got -
Blah blah blah blah blah blah … Said … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … Get …. blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … Said Ron … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … I want you to … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … She asked … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … group of pains … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …world book… blah blah blah blah blah blah … chair …. blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … walking postcard … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … Harry, Harry Potter … blah blah blah … books that you … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … means …. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … gray back … blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah ... said Hermione … blah blah blah … said Ron …blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah moves the night … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Yep, that's what it is like for me to listen without the benefit of lip-reading or good context cues. This is what I hear when announcements come on over a loudspeaker, when I am in a class at the gym, when I am with a group of people having multiple conversations, when I try to pick out lyrics from songs.
Between my lip-reading abilities and a skillful, yet prudent, employment of the "deaf nod," I bet I fooled a lot of people over the years into thinking my hearing loss is not that severe. Didn't I? Admit it! :) Several years ago, one of my sister's friends asked her, "Is Carolyn's hearing getting worse?" and Kelly replied, "No, she has just stopped pretending!" I'm really, really good at faking it.
MTC.
It gave me a neat idea, though. I decided to pop in one of the Harry Potter disks and see what words I could pick out from the audiobabble and then, in a few months when my implant is activated and my brain is hopefully processing sounds more efficiently, I'll listen to the same passage and see what, if any, difference there is. So I popped into my computer disk 11 from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and turned up the volume. It started at Chapter 24b "Malfoy's Manor," and this is what I got -
Blah blah blah blah blah blah … Said … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … Get …. blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … Said Ron … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … I want you to … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … blah blah blah … She asked … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … group of pains … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah …world book… blah blah blah blah blah blah … chair …. blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … walking postcard … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … Harry, Harry Potter … blah blah blah … books that you … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … blah blah blah … means …. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah … gray back … blah blah blah … blah blah blah blah blah blah ... said Hermione … blah blah blah … said Ron …blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah moves the night … blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Yep, that's what it is like for me to listen without the benefit of lip-reading or good context cues. This is what I hear when announcements come on over a loudspeaker, when I am in a class at the gym, when I am with a group of people having multiple conversations, when I try to pick out lyrics from songs.
Between my lip-reading abilities and a skillful, yet prudent, employment of the "deaf nod," I bet I fooled a lot of people over the years into thinking my hearing loss is not that severe. Didn't I? Admit it! :) Several years ago, one of my sister's friends asked her, "Is Carolyn's hearing getting worse?" and Kelly replied, "No, she has just stopped pretending!" I'm really, really good at faking it.
MTC.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Anxiety
This has been a rougher process than I thought it would be, truly. I thought that I would feel like going back to work this week and that I would even feel guilty for not doing so, but I am whupped. I can't imagine what Monday is going to be like because I can't imagine feeling like myself again by the end of the weekend. I think I am going to be very, very tired by 4 p.m. Monday.
I've been struggling with anxiety, depression symptoms, all that fun stuff. A friend of mine is the psych field told me that is not uncommon after something like this, but I feel like I should be excited and happy. Instead, my thoughts won't stop racing and I can't quiet them down. I have extremely dark thoughts at times like these. I often get a loop in my brain going, "I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, ihatemyselfiamsostupid
ihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupid...."
Wash, rinse, repeat. It would be comical if it wasn't so grim. If any of my nieces or nephews - or any of my loved ones - revealed such a thought process, I would be horrified that they couldn't see themselves for the wonderful treasures they are and I am sure they feel the same about me, but, this is my reality. This is how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.
I wonder how much of my poor self esteem is rooted in my hearing loss and if its salvageable. I met with another woman who had a severe/profound hearing loss and had a cochlear implant in her 40's and she told me that she became more and more withdrawn - severely so - until her husband said to her that he didn't even know her anymore and she was like, "What is happening to me?" She said it all changed with her CI.
I don't want to have that kind of expectation, but I hope, really hope, that it will be enough of a success that I don't feel so much like I am going through life in the shadows anymore. I hope I can stop feeling that I am not really here or a part of anything because I feel so disconnected. Given that I have Bipolar Disorder II, though, I have to keep my expectations low for how a CI may benefit me from a psychological perspective. It's not going to be like a miracle pill.
I thought that I had come so far in accepting my Deafness and how it shaped me, but going into Deaf Ed and then having the cochlear implant surgery done is bringing a lot of issues roaring back and I don't much like that part. It's scary.
I've been struggling with anxiety, depression symptoms, all that fun stuff. A friend of mine is the psych field told me that is not uncommon after something like this, but I feel like I should be excited and happy. Instead, my thoughts won't stop racing and I can't quiet them down. I have extremely dark thoughts at times like these. I often get a loop in my brain going, "I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, I hate myself, I am so stupid, ihatemyselfiamsostupid
ihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupidihatemyselfiamsostupid...."
Wash, rinse, repeat. It would be comical if it wasn't so grim. If any of my nieces or nephews - or any of my loved ones - revealed such a thought process, I would be horrified that they couldn't see themselves for the wonderful treasures they are and I am sure they feel the same about me, but, this is my reality. This is how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.
I wonder how much of my poor self esteem is rooted in my hearing loss and if its salvageable. I met with another woman who had a severe/profound hearing loss and had a cochlear implant in her 40's and she told me that she became more and more withdrawn - severely so - until her husband said to her that he didn't even know her anymore and she was like, "What is happening to me?" She said it all changed with her CI.
I don't want to have that kind of expectation, but I hope, really hope, that it will be enough of a success that I don't feel so much like I am going through life in the shadows anymore. I hope I can stop feeling that I am not really here or a part of anything because I feel so disconnected. Given that I have Bipolar Disorder II, though, I have to keep my expectations low for how a CI may benefit me from a psychological perspective. It's not going to be like a miracle pill.
I thought that I had come so far in accepting my Deafness and how it shaped me, but going into Deaf Ed and then having the cochlear implant surgery done is bringing a lot of issues roaring back and I don't much like that part. It's scary.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Recovery is not linear.
It really occurred to me today that recovery is not linear. I felt so well yesterday that I thought I had passed the hump. It's not so simple a matter as walking the line from point A to point B. Today I not only feel incredibly run-down but there is more discomfort in my surgery area than yesterday.
When I run my fingertips over the implant area, it feels a bit like what I would imagine Frankenstein's head feels like. Lumpy and protruding in odd places. Not that I give a lot of thought to what Frankenstein feels like. Seriously. That would be really sick. Although now that my thoughts are going there ... when Frankenstein was being created, I wonder how large of a penis he got? If you have your pick of appendages, I would hope you wouldn't shortchange your creation. He might want to get a little nookie someday, you know? Forget all that "It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm," bullshit. Size matters!
I kid! I kid! So please, if you are a male who is not as well endowed as John Holmes, don't walk away from this blog feeling like a lesser man. Think of it as a little payback for the last time your eyes popped so hard at Scarlett Johanssen's cleavage that you got an elbow in the ribs from your significant other.
(And yes, I realize for you purists out there that Frankenstein was actually the doctor who created the monster and not the monster himself, but it just doesn't have the same pow and sizzle to say "it feels a bit like what I would imagine the head of the monster that Dr. Frankenstein created feels like," does it? Does it???)
The hair is starting to grow back from where my head was shaved for the implant and it's all fuzzy there which feels really cool to me. I always did love a buzz cut. My Grandpa Schmid had one and when I was a girl, I loved to run my hand over his head. I like to think that is why I later developed such a fondness for military hairstyles, and thus military men, that my mom dubbed me the "One Woman USO."
I almost made it through the day with no pain pills yesterday, but I ended up having to take one last night. I was just hyper aware of the discomfort and couldn't sleep. Maybe tonight I'll make it.
My tongue is still a huge, swollen mass that feels badly burned. It hurts to eat almost as badly as it hurts to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from (over)eating, but I seriously think maybe I need to go on a liquid diet until it feels better because everything else hurts my mouth.
But yeah, back to my earlier thought. Recovery is not linear, no matter what. Whether it is alcoholism, bipolar disorder, or just life. It's never a straight path, is it? That is both the beauty and the arduousness of it all.
MTC.
When I run my fingertips over the implant area, it feels a bit like what I would imagine Frankenstein's head feels like. Lumpy and protruding in odd places. Not that I give a lot of thought to what Frankenstein feels like. Seriously. That would be really sick. Although now that my thoughts are going there ... when Frankenstein was being created, I wonder how large of a penis he got? If you have your pick of appendages, I would hope you wouldn't shortchange your creation. He might want to get a little nookie someday, you know? Forget all that "It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm," bullshit. Size matters!
I kid! I kid! So please, if you are a male who is not as well endowed as John Holmes, don't walk away from this blog feeling like a lesser man. Think of it as a little payback for the last time your eyes popped so hard at Scarlett Johanssen's cleavage that you got an elbow in the ribs from your significant other.
(And yes, I realize for you purists out there that Frankenstein was actually the doctor who created the monster and not the monster himself, but it just doesn't have the same pow and sizzle to say "it feels a bit like what I would imagine the head of the monster that Dr. Frankenstein created feels like," does it? Does it???)
The hair is starting to grow back from where my head was shaved for the implant and it's all fuzzy there which feels really cool to me. I always did love a buzz cut. My Grandpa Schmid had one and when I was a girl, I loved to run my hand over his head. I like to think that is why I later developed such a fondness for military hairstyles, and thus military men, that my mom dubbed me the "One Woman USO."
I almost made it through the day with no pain pills yesterday, but I ended up having to take one last night. I was just hyper aware of the discomfort and couldn't sleep. Maybe tonight I'll make it.
My tongue is still a huge, swollen mass that feels badly burned. It hurts to eat almost as badly as it hurts to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop me from (over)eating, but I seriously think maybe I need to go on a liquid diet until it feels better because everything else hurts my mouth.
But yeah, back to my earlier thought. Recovery is not linear, no matter what. Whether it is alcoholism, bipolar disorder, or just life. It's never a straight path, is it? That is both the beauty and the arduousness of it all.
MTC.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tongues and Slugs
It is Day 8 after surgery and I finally am not completely aware of the pain/discomfort in the left side of my head!
I was a bit worried about the pain pills given my addiction tendencies. I mean, hello! Recovering alcoholic with replacement addiction issues! I could totally see myself turning into the Codeine Whore on the Street Corner, pimping my old, sad body out for the next mind-numbing fix of pain pills.
Mercifully, especially for my brother who would be horrified and is probably even now clutching his hair and shouting, "TMI! TMI!," the pills don't really do that much for me.
I got 40 of those oxycodone babies with a stern warning on the bottle not to exceed 8 in a 24 hour period. A little math there would show that I could have been done with them in 5 days and still been within prescription guidelines, but it is 8 days later and I still have about 8 pills left. There were a lot of 8's in the last couple of sentences. It must mean something significant, like I'm going to win the lottery in 8 days. I need to remember to buy a ticket.
A weird side effect of the CI surgery is that I have a super bad taste in the left side of my mouth. Apparently there is a taste nerve near the surgery site. There is also a facial nerve. While drilling, the doctor either had to go near or actually touch one of the two and he opted for the taste nerve. Good call, doctor. Seriously. Bad taste is better than a drooping face. I'm getting old and wrinkly enough; I don't need any help in that regard.
And now my tongue is all swollen and disgusted and feels like I burned it badly. Like when you gulp hot chocolate before it has cooled and end up frying the skin cells on your tongue. It hurts to brush my teeth. It burns! It burns us! Sorry, channeled a little Gollum there. I don't know if that - not the Gollum channeling, but the tongue issue - is from the taste nerve also or from the pain meds. Seems like I might have a sensitivity to oxycodone given that it makes me itch and another possible side effect for oxycodone sensitivity is a swollen tongue. Nice.
Makes me think of that Peanuts cartoon when Linus is all like "I'm aware of my tongue!" and makes Lucy aware of hers, so of course she wants to slug him a good one. Slug and tongue are not two words that reside in harmonious juxtaposition, by the way. Now I'm thinking of my tongue being slug-like. A huge, oversalted, dried out slug. But look on the bright side ... at least I'm not Codeine Whore!
MTC.
I was a bit worried about the pain pills given my addiction tendencies. I mean, hello! Recovering alcoholic with replacement addiction issues! I could totally see myself turning into the Codeine Whore on the Street Corner, pimping my old, sad body out for the next mind-numbing fix of pain pills.
Mercifully, especially for my brother who would be horrified and is probably even now clutching his hair and shouting, "TMI! TMI!," the pills don't really do that much for me.
I got 40 of those oxycodone babies with a stern warning on the bottle not to exceed 8 in a 24 hour period. A little math there would show that I could have been done with them in 5 days and still been within prescription guidelines, but it is 8 days later and I still have about 8 pills left. There were a lot of 8's in the last couple of sentences. It must mean something significant, like I'm going to win the lottery in 8 days. I need to remember to buy a ticket.
A weird side effect of the CI surgery is that I have a super bad taste in the left side of my mouth. Apparently there is a taste nerve near the surgery site. There is also a facial nerve. While drilling, the doctor either had to go near or actually touch one of the two and he opted for the taste nerve. Good call, doctor. Seriously. Bad taste is better than a drooping face. I'm getting old and wrinkly enough; I don't need any help in that regard.
And now my tongue is all swollen and disgusted and feels like I burned it badly. Like when you gulp hot chocolate before it has cooled and end up frying the skin cells on your tongue. It hurts to brush my teeth. It burns! It burns us! Sorry, channeled a little Gollum there. I don't know if that - not the Gollum channeling, but the tongue issue - is from the taste nerve also or from the pain meds. Seems like I might have a sensitivity to oxycodone given that it makes me itch and another possible side effect for oxycodone sensitivity is a swollen tongue. Nice.
Makes me think of that Peanuts cartoon when Linus is all like "I'm aware of my tongue!" and makes Lucy aware of hers, so of course she wants to slug him a good one. Slug and tongue are not two words that reside in harmonious juxtaposition, by the way. Now I'm thinking of my tongue being slug-like. A huge, oversalted, dried out slug. But look on the bright side ... at least I'm not Codeine Whore!
MTC.
A Blog By Any Other Name
I tried to think of a clever blog name and let me tell you, that was tough. All the cool names that popped into my head are already taken. Purple Cow? Gone. Wonder Muffin? Taken. My "Bad" Life (which I wanted to be a play on Bipolar, Alcoholic, Deaf)? Yeah, right.
So then I started inputting every combination of words that had anything to do with things I like and "Psychedelic Sunflower" was the first free one. I was so excited to finally have a catchy - and available - name that I didn't really think of the ramifications. It's trying a little too hard, isn't it? I've opened myself up for a lot of teasing. It's kinda me, though. Anyone over 30 who picks lime green for their cochlear implant processor color has a touch of psychedelia in their personality. I think I will keep it.
I've tried blogs before and never stuck with them. Anyone who remotely knows me won't be surprised at that. Follow-through is not my strong point. I have a lot of goals for this blog, though - achieving lasting weight loss and physical fitness, managing my bipolar symptoms, dealing with recovery from alcoholism and finally, sharing my cochlear implant experience with my friends and interested acquaintances.
That's a lot, huh?
Any one of those would be big. Weight loss. Deafness. Bipolar Disorder. Alcoholism. And I have all four to contend with. Almost makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. I was never a thumb sucker, though. That was my brother and sister. My brother especially. My sister was also a hair twirler. And she liked to chew on non-edible things, including the feet of her Barbie dolls. I was not a sucker of thumbs, chewer of non-edibles or twirler of hair, but ... I seem to be getting off-track here ... rearrange! Focus! Deafness! Cochlear implant!!
I lost most of my hearing when I was four. Meningitis. I'm 42 now. I have no discernible hearing in my left ear. My right ear has a loss in the severe-profound range and I have worn a hearing aid in that ear for 38 years. I've managed to get by just fine and thanks to a sharp mind and keen intellect (thanks Mom and Dad!), I've been pretty successful.
I'm an exception.
I didn't know the statistics of this until I started take classes in Deaf Ed, but most deaf people with, oh, a moderate or worse hearing loss typically are not close to equivalent to most of their hearing peers. As students, their reading levels are significantly lower and they are much more likely to go on to both forgo college and accept lower paying, more menial jobs.
So I have been lucky.
Nevertheless, even though I grew up in the hearing world, I have always thought of myself as "deaf," probably more so as an adult. I have a strong sympathy for Deaf culture and individuals and the idea of a cochlear implant was actually pretty repellant to me for a long time. Deaf culture... that's a whole other blog post or two. We won't get into it here.
When I started taking Deaf Ed classes, I was exposed to a lot of information about CIs that I wouldn't have sought out on my own. I also had a wonderful classmate named Megan who has two children with hearing loss. Her daughter is bilaterally implanted and the impact on her life has been amazing. My thinking started to shift from "CIs are evil" to "Maybe CIs can be life-changing for some people."
Then one weekend in July 2011, my cousin Janet came up from Florida. She was my mother's brother's daughter and I had never met her before. More relatives joined the fun. I remember sitting in the blue chair in my mom's living room, all these excited, happy voices flying past me in multiple conversations, and feeling utterly and totally alone. It has been like that for me a lot in my life. And I thought, "Why not a CI? If it would help me be a part of life and not some person who has to lurk on the outskirts of most social activities, why not?"
And on November 15, 2011, I had a cochlear implant done on my left ear.
MTC.
So then I started inputting every combination of words that had anything to do with things I like and "Psychedelic Sunflower" was the first free one. I was so excited to finally have a catchy - and available - name that I didn't really think of the ramifications. It's trying a little too hard, isn't it? I've opened myself up for a lot of teasing. It's kinda me, though. Anyone over 30 who picks lime green for their cochlear implant processor color has a touch of psychedelia in their personality. I think I will keep it.
I've tried blogs before and never stuck with them. Anyone who remotely knows me won't be surprised at that. Follow-through is not my strong point. I have a lot of goals for this blog, though - achieving lasting weight loss and physical fitness, managing my bipolar symptoms, dealing with recovery from alcoholism and finally, sharing my cochlear implant experience with my friends and interested acquaintances.
That's a lot, huh?
Any one of those would be big. Weight loss. Deafness. Bipolar Disorder. Alcoholism. And I have all four to contend with. Almost makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. I was never a thumb sucker, though. That was my brother and sister. My brother especially. My sister was also a hair twirler. And she liked to chew on non-edible things, including the feet of her Barbie dolls. I was not a sucker of thumbs, chewer of non-edibles or twirler of hair, but ... I seem to be getting off-track here ... rearrange! Focus! Deafness! Cochlear implant!!
I lost most of my hearing when I was four. Meningitis. I'm 42 now. I have no discernible hearing in my left ear. My right ear has a loss in the severe-profound range and I have worn a hearing aid in that ear for 38 years. I've managed to get by just fine and thanks to a sharp mind and keen intellect (thanks Mom and Dad!), I've been pretty successful.
I'm an exception.
I didn't know the statistics of this until I started take classes in Deaf Ed, but most deaf people with, oh, a moderate or worse hearing loss typically are not close to equivalent to most of their hearing peers. As students, their reading levels are significantly lower and they are much more likely to go on to both forgo college and accept lower paying, more menial jobs.
So I have been lucky.
Nevertheless, even though I grew up in the hearing world, I have always thought of myself as "deaf," probably more so as an adult. I have a strong sympathy for Deaf culture and individuals and the idea of a cochlear implant was actually pretty repellant to me for a long time. Deaf culture... that's a whole other blog post or two. We won't get into it here.
When I started taking Deaf Ed classes, I was exposed to a lot of information about CIs that I wouldn't have sought out on my own. I also had a wonderful classmate named Megan who has two children with hearing loss. Her daughter is bilaterally implanted and the impact on her life has been amazing. My thinking started to shift from "CIs are evil" to "Maybe CIs can be life-changing for some people."
Then one weekend in July 2011, my cousin Janet came up from Florida. She was my mother's brother's daughter and I had never met her before. More relatives joined the fun. I remember sitting in the blue chair in my mom's living room, all these excited, happy voices flying past me in multiple conversations, and feeling utterly and totally alone. It has been like that for me a lot in my life. And I thought, "Why not a CI? If it would help me be a part of life and not some person who has to lurk on the outskirts of most social activities, why not?"
And on November 15, 2011, I had a cochlear implant done on my left ear.
MTC.
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