Expectations

Been a long time since I blogged. I haven't felt like it, honestly. A friend of mine posted an article yesterday about expectations and it really hit home for me. Not just my own expectations, but those of others. I had so many people so excited about this and so many people convinced that "with my brain" (I heard those three words a lot) it would be a breeze, that no one, including me, really understood how difficult it would be.

Truth? I don't like wearing it. I miss my hearing aid. It gets better for a day or two and then everything sounds painful again. I often cringe when I have to put it on. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and remember I need to put it on, I feel depressed and defeated.

I look back and I can pick out two moments when I felt like my progress was measurable - Christmas Eve at my brother's when I felt like I was following the conversation better than usual (which could have been because I was trying so hard) and the night at the reindeer in downtown Richmond when we heard a band playing in the street and it actually sounded like music.

Two moments out of 30 days.

Most of the time, I tell people I'm making progress because I know that is what they want to hear.

Am I hearing more? Yes. Am I hearing better? No. Most of the time, everything hits me in a din of unrecognizable sound. My brain, the brain that everyone thought would do so well, doesn't know what to do with it all.

I hear beeps, clatters, whistles, more clatters, and the hums! Who knew so many things hummed??

And good heavens, when I scratch my head, it's crazy loud!